The she waits for....

I ran as hard as I could, zipping by small lanes and little shops, where I usually stop for a chat, but not today. Today is special. Father said that I won’t have to go to school after today; the only thing he has ever said in my favour. I don’t understand why I went there in the first place when all I wanted was to be like mother, cook at home and take care of kids. That’s the only thing I wanted to do because I am exactly like her. Not like father. Not even a little bit. He beats mum every night. I hear her cry from the thin walls of her room. Why doesn’t my brother seem to care? Perhaps he is like father. or perhaps he will beat me one day. Today is special for another worthwhile reason. I will get married today. I am ecstatic. Mother is crying, but I don’t understand why. I look so pretty like a bride, the henna in my hand and a read veil on my head just gave me frightful sums of joy. Mother should be happy for me, shouldn’t she? I asked her how I look, but all she was worried about was that I will leave her and go. That was the first time it hit me, marriage doesn’t only mean “no more school”, but also means that I will go away from home; from mother. Just as I start to panic, father walked in and gave me a stare, told me to keep quiet. He seemed cross, reminded me that I was a big girl now – twelve years old and I was crying like a baby. I need to get married and take care of an entire house, just like mother. I was born to do that. That somehow calms me down. That was enough for me. I will be doing what she does. Perhaps I could visit her every day? My new home won’t be too far of course. I was excited again. Now I wanted to see who the boy was. I hoped against all hope that he should not turn out to be like father, or even brother. Actually I just had a tingling confidence that he won’t be. I was happy, probably for the last time. But how could I know it then? I am not sure if I would have done anything differently if I knew. I don’t think I would have been allowed to even if I did, even if I wanted to. Zaheer, my husband, was much older; probably father’s age. Apparently he was the best suitor, as he paid the most money. He didn’t love me, beat me and raped me every night. I was only allowed to go home to my mother only once a month. Sometimes she would see marks on my face and ask what happened. I would lie that I fell down, but she knew better than that. I got pregnant with my first child by the time I was 14, he seemed pleased with me. He stopped hitting me after getting drunk, used to sleep right after coming home. He even got me new bangles. I thought life was finally taking a turn for the good, but God had other plans. Soon after the happy news I had a miscarriage. It wasn’t my fault. I don’t even know how it happened and why. I lost a lot of blood and fainted; when I woke up he was next to me. I wanted to hug him and cry. But he beat me. I begged him, he won’t hear of it. I told him I didn’t do anything wrong but... I wasn’t allowed to go home for the next two months, I was sad but I never complained. I always wondered why was I born a girl, or if I was a boy had I done the same? I am not sure anymore, maybe that’s how they are. I was pregnant again and after 9 months I gave birth to a baby girl. I was confident that Zaheer would be happy. But he wanted a boy; I did understand why so I didn’t complain. I hoped it was a boy too. I didn’t want her to suffer but “that was the way it was,” as my dad said. “Girls are born for this; they have no say in the matter”. They can’t help it! I wish I could... After two other girls, one day Zaheer came home with another 12 year old girl. He said she is his wife. I was devastated. I was 25 now, I did not understand why. I couldn’t ask, because I was a girl and hence am not allowed to question my husband’s decisions. “He is not wrong” I said to myself, I was at fault somewhere. I was a wife, I should have been jealous of my husband’s new wife, but all I could feel was pity, I felt bad for the innocent girl and wanted to help her out in some way. But I was just a girl, I wish I could help...