THE WAIT

I am standing on the edge of the cliff I want to set my soul free when suddenly thoughts of the days gone by sweep me over, a lot of questions were left unanswered sum from my end some from theirs. Answers which I shall never get; and some answers I don’t even seek to get or deliver. There was a time when life meant fairytales but as we grew up we understood that Santa Claus is not real, and the wonderlands are only meant to be in books. As I think of my journey from childhood to teenage and then from there on, I see myself getting shrinking inside n out. As a kid we used to love people whoever they were however they behaved. No ego clashes, no attitude problems, even if someone slapped us this very moment we became friends the very next. It was easy to forgive and forget. I have zillions of friends who love me and whom I love so what am I doing here. What am I running from ? whom I want to be free of ? My thoughts took a vicious turn again into the past, into the days of my school. I could see the building, huge, made up of bricks and no paint. This is the very thing I loved the most about this building – its raw appeal. My eyes sparkled with excitement as I moved forward and entered the gates I could see my classroom. The class which was once full of kids was now empty; I could not even fit in in those small benches now. I smiled at myself at the thought of it. Bt as I moved on and saw the hockey field, the basket ball court, lawn tennis ground and the cricket field and lot of noises coming from all directions. I could see children running from one place to another and enjoying themselves as they involve themselves in the games. I moved further and I saw a sweet young girl crying at one corner, I went to her she had bruised her knee. It wasn’t a deep bruise a petty little cut and she was howling at the top of her voice. I wished I could tell her that she will face things which hurt a lot more than just a bruised knee. But I just chose to smile and console her and then I walked on. I saw my classroom of class tenth. All I could remember was that I wasn’t a good student and my teacher refused to give me the roll no. I was scared because I thought I won’t be allowed to give boards. I wished a friend was there but no one came. I had no one to look up to, no shoulder to cry on I was so scared. A tear trickled down my cheek, and I smiled at my innocence and walked on. Now I saw the classroom of my twelfth standard, it was empty but I could still hear laughter of my friends. I was happy sitting on one bench when sir called me and started shouting. One of my classmates mother had said that I don’t let him study and keep calling me all day long. My sir was yelling at me, he was blaming me for something I dint do. I cried but I was scared to tell it to my dad, so I kept mum. My sir promised me not to say a word to my parents on the p.t.a. only if I scored well in maths in my pre boards. I worked very hard and got a fairly good score in maths. On the p.t.m day my sir took my parents and told them everything and in a way that they believed it was all true. No one believed me, I tried explaining but no one listened. I needed a friend then, but no one came. I wanted people to listen to me to trust me; I wanted some one to say I understand but……. I silently looked up at the sky as if asking why? All I could see was a smile.

I went back again now to my board results, I secured 85% and still couldn’t get admission anywhere. I was tensed then but I got through the bbe entrance. I chose a college which was not too good. The first thing people used to ask me was my college's name and then they did not even talk further and assumed that I was a bad student. My cousins were ahead of me. People told me I was good for nothing but then I was in my dream world. Always thought college life will be good and I wanted to live all that I had read in books in my real life. My dreams were so many and I wanted to make them a reality. But who knew what was in store for me. I entered the college gates and felt disgusted this was not the college I dreamt of. But I then this college played a very important role in my life so I smiled and moved on. I could see me and my friends giggling in the first year and then a guy entered my class and I went out with him, he was my everything . The excitement in my eyes, the smile on my face everything came just by the thought of him. I loved him truly and knew that I could fight the world for him and I did that later. He wasn’t the best looking guy in the world but he surely meant the world to me. We went to the nearest mall with my best friends. We chatted, had fun and then went back home. This was our everyday routine. I wanted to capture every bit of him and not let him go. I wished for a lot of things, first being that his mom likes me but that never happened. It was again my dream that crashed one day when his mom called me and because of a misunderstanding she abused me and said a lot of things on my character. I cried the whole night; my guy did not support me at all. The college next day was a nightmare I broke with him. I hated to do that but had no option. From the very next day the guy from my dreams turned out to be a jerk. He started speaking bad words to me, abuse me and say shitty things about me. He broke me inside; a person so full of life became a lifeless soul. I cried almost everyday and prayed so that things some day get fine. Remembering all that made me cry, tears kept flowing from my eyes as I moved on every inch of the area reminded me of my ex and my friends who desserted me when i needed them the most. one of them fell in love with me n assumed a relationship that didnt existed, shared his feelings with another freind who was also my best buddy and created a lot of misunderstandings. Then entered a girl called ritika in their lives , she manipulated their minds and drove threm to insanity. shaw abused me publically because of the poison she had planted in him for me and the other guy juss went dumb. I wanted friends but had no one to support me. there was a random caller who faked the name of one of my school freinds and used to talk to me, i thought i had found a freind but alas this was short lived too as i found out he was juss another jerk trying to take advantage of the situation. Again I was alone, my friends and I had a fight over some things and they refused to trust me. I wanted people to understand to trust me. I failed to make people understand that I also had a heart. My eyes were red by now and people just refuse to stop hurting me. My best friend left me coz she believed in my guy and not me. I was alone and upset but then I went on. I saw my friends turn there backs on me, people I helped when they needed me just turned there faces the other side on seeing me. My friends were good but then everyday my classmates created a problem for them. They all fought everyday. And seeing my ex flirting with girls was a cherry on the cake. I wanted to end it to die. But then I always thought dying was for people who are weak and I was strong enough to face it. With this thought and that everything happens for good I never gave up. Three years passed and not the way I dreamt them to go. I was glad for once that my college days had ended. I then moved out in the world with nothing in hand, no friends and no college to go after my graduation.

There was a friend whom I knew for a long time he liked me but I dint like him that way. I thought he could understand me but even he failed. He stopped talking to me, and made a new gf. I was happy for him as he went away to Australia. He had fought with me for his friends and misunderstood me. One day I got a call from his gf and she started shouting for o fault of mine. I did not love him. I was tired of everything. They broke up after that but I tried to find my fault. Like everything else this also ended without an answer. I wanted to smile at me to smile at my stupidity but I chose to cry.

Everyday dad and mom used to tell me what I will do in life and I had no answer. I wanted to settle things first my mind just refused to calm down. I was almost out of breath by now. But I dint stop thinking and moved on. I saw my house and fights everyday people were tensed and everyone thought that I do not get tensed ever. I wanted someone to know. Today after giving some entrances I did not clear any of them I was upset my parents refused to understand. I feel like a looser I have once lost in life. I climbed this cliff to see if I can see god, if he can see me or is he still too busy to know that some one needs him from the past 5 years; will he still not care to take my hand and show me what’s right? No I did not get on the cliff to commit suicide but yes I still want an answer from god……. Will I get it?...or yet again be surounded by profit seeking souls in my quest for support..