life-file folder-ed

All these years of my life, I have assumed that one day I will get my perfect fit – the one who will come and sweep me off my feet. I was always living fine expecting “an arranged setting” of marriage, believed like many other Indian girls that marriage changes everything. Parents will choose the perfect guy and he will sweep me off from my feet over a few cups of coffee. Love will happen, followed by a perfect married life.

But in this chase of finding the right person, whom I am very sure everyone finds someday, we keep meeting a lot of wrong people. Your first day in office, you are nervous and then the scariest part comes – your introduction to the team, the people you will be working with every day. You are overwhelmed but you chose your words wisely; ‘Hope they like me… what if they think I am stupid… Shit I didn’t brush up Excel, Power-point… they might ask me something… what if I don’t know?’ A mind full of questions and there, you hear a faint ‘Hey’, you hush it away with the other thoughts in you head. “I said hello.” ‘Oh my god, someone actually said that! Embarrassing… Why am I so lost all the time? Bad day! Why God… why me?’ I turned behind and replied softly still staring at the floor, not even sure if my voice reached his ears. I raised my eyes to see if he was angry. He was a mediocre looking boy of around my age, not very tall, would be around few inches taller than me. He wore a nice blue shirt but it was shabbily tucked in, sleeves folded, a normal physique but a warm friendly smile on his face, which was a relief. He told me his name was L. L started a friendly conversation, and with that a sense of calmness dawned over me. Did he do it intentionally; did he know that I was nervous? Whatever, I am just glad he is in my team.’ Friends told me I should be careful. These people appear to be pleasant, but they end up being rude when it comes to work. Still, I shooed away such voices in my head and started to stare at my computer screen. Poof! I received a request from him on my chat window to join him for lunch in the canteen, along with his other friends at 12. It was my first day. The thought of meeting new people was scary, but I calmed down told myself that they were his friends. As the clock stuck noon, I went down, all excited now. I met a few more people, some from my team, and others from different departments. They seemed welcoming; we laughed while we finished our lunch and then went out for an ice-cream. Soon I was able to join them in the jokes they cracked. My life painted itself perfect on the very first day – an amazing job, a good set of friends, a friendly team; people would die to be in my place.

Getting up early was a problem for the first few days, but soon I got used to it. Everyone treated me nicely, once or twice I got scolded by my mentor but that was fine. I enjoyed my job. Soon it will be the end of the month. I had a long list of things I wanted to buy with m first salary. Life was dreamy. My talks with L increased every day. When the office-time of 9 to 5 wasn’t enough, we kicked-off with the exchange of messages on the way back. This was not all. We started to meet often to grab a quick bite before a movie on weekends. Soon we became a pair of good friends, or had already become one long back. I had other friends in office, but he was becoming the one person that I could trust with everything. He was the one to comfort me when I was low, and was there for me when I wanted to dance on happy news.

Before long, I was asked to go to US for a project. I did not know how long it would take; it could take a year, or maybe longer. On the day before I was leaving, L disclosed that he liked me. I was confused, and I never felt that way for him ever, not even close. But the fear of losing a good friend scared me more than anything. I didn’t want to hurt him. I tried to explain and tried to go back being what we were. I went to the States and the conversations continued. But the new life wasn't as much fun. I was away from everything I loved, work was not going well, and I started having frequent fights with my close friends, even L. No one seemed to understand. 'If I don’t like him why do I expect so much from him? Why should he be here with me? Bloody hell, I don’t care whatever he has to be. Argh! I am so confused about my feelings. Maybe I don’t care. I am just in this ‘phase’… but he does like me. Maybe this time he is busy. Next time he will be there.'

Moreover, there were a lot of chances. But fights grew, and so did the distances. Everyone seemed to be wrong. 'Or maybe I became rude and arrogant'. It was my fault, but no one was there to sit with me to tell me that the phase will pass soon. I went back home after a year and soon he did something that broke me. I could not trust him any more. He had become aloof. Maybe I was too late to like him back, and maybe he found someone else in this time. Maybe they just say that “love happens for good” and never mean it. Maybe it is just all pain and no happiness. Now, what do I take from this? Did he never like me? Did he lie to me? All blank questions ricocheted with empty answers.

I just fail to understand, how can anyone so different from the guy of your dreams, whom you think is not the right guy for sure, get so close to hurt you. And the pain is worse than that, given by the closest friend. Now I changed my work place, not scared of meeting a shrewd boss or a horrible team, but terrified to meet that smiling face.