A bit of fragrance clings to the hand that gives flowers.

Hey this blog is dedicated to my dearest friend divya, coz she is the one waiting for my blog for so long :D. Anyways, this time I will talk about something even I am not too sure of. These are just my views on it, they are quite random and some can even be wrong. It is something that I have learnt from books and long discussions.

Today I am discussing the something I am. Some call it God some call it a chemical reaction or maybe you can call it A or something else. The unknown cannot be taught, it has to be learned. And even when you have learned it, it remains unknown, that’s the beauty of it. God never becomes knowledge, but on a contrary the more you know the more mysterious it becomes. As you come near the centre all certainty is lost, all clinging disappeared. So sometimes we confuse it with that there is no God. But when we actually reach the centre, the seeker within us is lost, the knower has disappeared. When there is no knower how can we reduce the unknown to knowledge?

Saints throughout centuries have asserted that God is ever copious and there is no limit to his grace. While man may get wary of asking, he never gets tired of giving. His treasures are unlimited and there is nothing man desires and cannot get. All men are made alike. They have the same origin. The maker is also one. They are a drop of the same ocean and have the same ultimate end. He is real, eternal. He is everlasting; everything in the universe and universe itself is false. He alone is true.

We sometimes feel that we are being tested. I say it’s a part of ignorance. You can test something that you are not sure of. If God tests you that means he doesn’t know you. But it is not the case. He knows your past, present, future, your strengths and weaknesses. He alone gives you strength. We only test ourselves, because we do not have confidence. We always see God as a fatherly figure watching us somewhere from above. We demand like a child, but when we see God as a child we have no demands. God is the every core of our existence. God clings to you like a baby to his mother until you die. Love it like a mother; take care of it as you do for your kids. Love makes every object come to life. We see the children talking to the moon; they say that the moon smiles to them. As if it expresses its emotions to them. A mere mouse, Mickey mouse, is seen like a living human being but as we grow up some of us start to consider even a living mouse as an object. See the God into everything, even the mouse.

Now, you may ask that why aggressiveness is there or anger in the world if God is watchman to every one? But you may have noticed that they become aggressive when they see u r weak. Everything here belongs to God, just relax and be prepared to go down. If you go down on the floor, you cannot be bought further down. Have faith in him as you are not alone. Don’t surrender as it is what the meek do. Surrender is not an act it’s a state and we can never recreate a state. Jealousy and anger are not the traits of God as he is the only one, the sole creator. He has no one to compete with, no one to look up for. Have the ability to see God in the person sitting next to you. The food we eat is God and the stomach ache we get is also God. Everyone and everything within us and outside, every existent thing is God.

Missing you....

Did it have to be this way?

I saw you the other day

I noticed things that I dint before

it seems I have walked through a different door.

I watched your lips move as I fell into

into a daze, into confuse

did you have any clue?

it must be a path I had to choose

These feelings I must share

each day I feel deeper

that you are the keeper

you are the one I must care

Your wings sore upon me

you should light upon thee

joy that I feel

so before you I kneel

I ask "will you hold my hand and never let go"

the answer I will never know

If you tell me I will forget

but if you show me I will know

to this I owe you a debt

hopefully you wont say no

frog in a well shaft seeing the sky

A blank page has been staring at me for some hours now.

Right now I am tempted to keep away from a lot of things and tempted to get involved in many. It would all seem very exciting and adventurous, but prudence rules and we keep away. The exuberance of youth at times gets one very close to succumbing to temptation. But as you mature it takes on a different shape. Responsibility and understanding keeps one conscious of the fact that this would not be the right thing to do. There are elders to answer to, seniors to respect. What would they say in such circumstances? We need to not just look after ourselves but indeed to look after what they need and feel. As youth we can accomplish everything, precisely because it accepts no past, obeys no future and fears no present.Selfishly at times we do not consider our responsibility, our compulsion to keep the elders involved. We ignore them and ignore many other aspects, eventually to lament later why we did not.

Exposure to the ‘complex’ world is suddenly destroying its almost utopian existence in the years gone by. My appearance may be in keeping with the temperament that a new object that infuses in me, but what does it do for those that fail to accept it and have succumbed. There are many that have given up, resigned from life, abstract, still and allowing it to take over. I would imagine they too live a life. A life they chose according to their standards. But everyone need not follow that. Life does allow one to take off on a tangent. Sometimes it brings a tangential difference. As they say respect is love in plain clothes. Musicians are artists no different from painters and poets. They document our culture, make us think, provoke us and introduce us to new ideas. And the good ones are philosophers.

Strange is it not, that this emotion should manifest itself into such strong feeling. There are times in the daily routine of our lives when we build many thoughts. Discuss and assess them. Write and rewrite them. Correct them for errors and mistakes, readjust them, Para-phrase them again and again, convinced that this is what is final and complete to go out to the rest of the world. These are but personal musings which occupy our mind and our time for a sizeable number of minutes, perhaps hours and then disappear. They were constructs of an idle mind, harmless, inconsequential and bearing nothing more than an incoherent moment in the complex structure of our brain. We need to keep our mind far away from all these vicious thoughts or they run like a Trojan horse on all out thoughts.

On a joyride called her moodswings...(a friend wrote this for me)

Switching in and out of the alpine green and the arctic freeze is something most people can only dream of . and havin experienced both at the same time on
numerous occasions courtesy her, i can be proud of it . she sways in and out of different moods , can be evil or an angel , can be naughty or coy , can be
the closest person or someone who you harldy ever knew . i remember seeing her for the first time , full of shimmer n dat exuberant sparkle in her eyes that
some how gripped my attention . she could make you feel wanted like a peice of her heart , like air she can't breathe without , seal your heart with her
kisses and on other days she would just run away as if you were stalking her . her bruises and hurt have never healed , they somehow keep coming back to her
, switching places , company , fighting her own self she some how cant get over it .
She could sound like an imbecile juvenile , or perhaps on other days shock you with her sense of maturity and worldly knowledge . perfectly affable during
day time and perhaps a curse during the night . what amuses me and grips me towards her in this world full of pretty faces and diverse mind sets is her knack
of going las vegas and tibet @ da same time ( oh yes shes got a spiritual side as well ). she would do anything to bring about joy to a sad face and at times
even a room full of dead people won't bother her . shes your eternal damsel in distress , u believe somehow you can be her prince charming to the rescue but
lo !! she would somehow find her own way back on her feet somehow .

Her cute fantasies of dwelling in a world full of candies and chocloates would make you want to hug her ( if she lets you that is) , and at other times
perhps she would want to walk on the beach with you barefeet . every time i think of her i remember a rather famous poem by emily dickingson which goes like

:

Hope
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

You gasp a gush of breath and wonder how often can she surprise you (warning : her wrath could swipe you off too) . But all you would ever yearn for is to feel her around you and stay happily in love with all that she does...

THE UNBALANCED EQUATION OF LIFE CAN ONLY BE SOLVED BY INTRODUCING THE VARIABLE OF CHANGE

The only thing consistent about the world is its inconsistency. We are all undiscovered geniuses or ignorant fools. Change is the only constant thing that has ever been. It forms the basis of our lives and is inevitable. He who rejects change is the architect of decay. Some changes we welcome with arms wide open and some of them cause tears to stream down our eyes. While we are kids, we play with everyone. Every hand offered to us is genuine and is given to play, no one to envy or to idolize. A little further a telling change awaits; we leave the safe haven of our house and enter school. The first day we are upset, we cry while entering the new place as we unwillingly let go of our mom’s hand all we want to do is to cling to her and never let go. In another one hour we acclimatize and don’t even want to leave that place as every one in the vicinity is called a friend. That’s the day when we realized that home is not the only place to be. And the people you can talk to do not always have to be so big. The first change which we accept with haste and that which turns out to be great. Leaving play school is always difficult but we kind of adjust to it as we want to grow up in a jiffy. The first step in school makes us feel big, tells us that this is the place I will spend 14 years in. Gladly we tell everyone we know, call up all the relatives and tell them that we go to a much bigger school with more students than earlier. Studying is fun, learning is interesting and every person in the class ones again is called a friend except those who eat our lunch when we bring something real tasty and gulp down tang from our bottles. The days we realize everyone is not good, some people just can’t bring their own kurkure and just have to pounce on your pack whenever you open it.

We are all geared up and our car is in full speed when we realize the road also has speed breakers called exams. And the pressure goes on increasing. Parents start scolding and you join the race where everyone wants to win. Friends become competitors, who gets more becomes the saga. Here is the introduction of jealousy and I won’t tell her how much I have covered coz she always tells me she knows nothing but still manages to get a better score than me. Emotions hold us up at all points. The way we perceive them and take decisions make us who we are today. Now we come across changes in people some of them which we can see and some internally. Our body changes, we grow inside as we fight changes outside. But things alter for the worse spontaneously, if they be not altered for the better designedly. Now we desire more as our needs grow from emotional to social to sexual. We want to keep pace with the growing trends and new knowledge. We grow everyday and with a blink of an eye the school ends and we are all out in the world where there are more people, more to learn and more dreams to be fulfilled. The wheel of change moves on, and those who were down go up and those who were up go down. The innocence we had kept with us goes away slowly and gradually. We look behind and all we see is people who were ones our best buddies, without whom you couldn’t even imagine your life, busy in their own lives. Competition is cut throat and here as Darwin said it is not the strongest of the species that survive, or the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. So here we are after a lot of fight we enter college, make new friends just to find that they aren’t really your friends they were the ones who spoke behind your back. You get attracted to the opposite sex and the experimental self in you wants to explore more. We term this as love without even knowing what we want. But the difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. The person you thought you loved wasn’t the right person either. Your friend change again, they are more understanding than the earlier group and you change your opinion which you had about them before and a new bonding is formed. The man who never alters his opinion is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind. College ends, three years learning which more than the 14 years spend in school was. Good and bad experiences, people everything has made you wiser. But somehow you feel unhappy about the life you live now. Change has caused this conflict between mind and heart. Before you can even think of solving this conflict you have more entrances, or interviews. And the story goes on……………

We all are reluctant to allow changes in life. Everyone wants a stable and a smooth running life without a lot of ups and downs (a few are ok though). Life in its own journey, presupposes its own change and movement, and one tries to arrest them at one's eternal peril. Even if we don’t like to change but this cycle of life never ends, which also keeps me from thinking that maybe life without change be mind-numbing. The truth is that the only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery. (Oh no the parliament too: P)

the abode of the mind- beyond worldly desires

Saints have blessed this world in every age. Whatever be their country or religion, their message has always been one: to discover God and to seek release from the karmic - cycle of births and deaths. They did not teach with an intent to lay the foundations of new religions, creeds and sects. Creeds and sects breed fervourous passions and fanatical loyalties which invariably lead to quarrels and conflicts, while the essence of the teaching of all saints is love and harmony among the people of the world. While a saint is alive, we listen to his words. But we do not pay heed to them. As soon as he leaves the world, we turn; we turn to rites and rituals and thus completely forget the purpose of his tenets. We begin ones to manipulate his lofty teachings and the truth of his experiences into sects that serve our own ulterior motives, thereby sowing the seeds of discord and disharmony. We do this for selfish reasons and justify them in the name of national honor or prestige of traditional religion. What greater injustice could we do to these great saviours than to misinterpret and narrow down their teachings and freeze them into sects that are based on partial or incorrect versions of their teachings?

All saints tell us that nothing that we see in this world has come into being on itself. Their must be some creator. This creator is the one lord; we remember him with love and devotion by means of a thousands names. He is the supreme object of our search and our spiritual yearning. An electric bulb, however luminescent it may be, can’t light up the room if it is covered with over a dozen layers of thick black cloth. In spite of its light, the room it is in will be in utter darkness. But as we begin to remove the covers, the room will grow brighter and on removal of the last layer it will become brightly lit. The same way our soul begins to leave the company of the mind and to shed its covers, it begins to know itself. That is why it is said that self- realization is essential before god-realization. All our efforts, all our strengths and all techniques we use are directed towards subjugating the mind and withdrawing it to its source at the top of the spiritual region. Every religion has the same aim and lays an equal emphasis on subduing the mind. We try a thousand ways to control the mind. We turn for help to the recital of holy books, to penances, to worship and bathing in the holy rivers, reading scriptures and religious books, giving charity and burning sacred fires. We even leave our homes and go into solitude of forests; we sometimes hide ourselves in mountain caves. Through discipline we try to detach our mind from the desire inducing objects of the world, but because our thoughts do not become attached to something superior, something beyond, our mind reacts and rebounds and comes back into the world with as much strength and cunning as ever. To control our mind with force is like putting a viper in a basket. As long as the basket remains tightly closed, we remain safe from the venom of the viper; but the moment it escapes, it will again bite. Merely putting a viper in the basket cannot free you from fear. There still lays a danger to risk our lives. If instead we catch hold of the viper and remove the poisonous fangs, it will become harmless. Controlling the mind by strict discipline is like covering a live charcoal with ashes; apparently the fire is dead, but when a gust of wind blows, the ashes are scattered and the fire comes alive ones more. In the same way, when the storms of passions arise, the mind goes out of control and runs into impetuous actions with reinforced vigor. Forcible control of the mind may be liked by the police, so as long as the criminal is in the custody we are safe from his misdeeds. But as soon as he gets released, he gets back to his wicked ways. On the other hand if we manage to reform the criminal through persuasion and thereby make him a good human being, we would be set free from his evil deeds forever.

We generally say that the mind is fond of variety. It tries to constantly change when we see or eat the same thing. If we look back at our lives, we find that in our childhood we dearly loved our parents then come siblings, then friends and the cycle went on n still is . So unless the mind gets something higher than worldly love, it will never be ready under any circumstances to give up the pleasures of the world. There is only one way to subdue the mind and that is to give the sweet enchanting taste of the name of god. The sweetness and the magnetic pull of word will remove all its attachments.

FAITH RESTORED

The morning hour , as the day begins, seldom indicates what lies in store for the rest of it. The peace and solace of those early hours is almost synonymous with the gentle warmth of the rising sun. That deep orange hue from the brightest element in the earth’s hemisphere, so pleasantly visible as it emerges from behind a hill or stack of high rises, then gradually, as it progresses forward, begins to burn out its size and shape and countenance, now unable to be seen through a naked eye. There is a bearing with life’s day almost, within this act. Pleasant and peaceful as it starts, and then gradually as the day progresses and all its complications overtake us, everything around us becomes unbearable. We meet people and a lot of them get you thinking on many aspects of what we observe and perceive like our existence and issues we face as a part of the society. A lot of instances connect us to each other, the history and the knowledge of the past. This leads to the understanding of complex circumstances. We leave the things we love for fear all the time, and blame it on circumstrances.
I keep wondering how we fear doing good deeds, as good is not easily acceptable and makes us feel embarrassed at times. So we stick to following the crowd and doing what every one does and involves no fun. Being a leader is a lonely job, taking a road that is less travelled. Taking responsibility of the world that loves to blame. A complex and a tiresome job, I must say. But I still suggest you to explore more opportunities for the people who look up to you, who take you as their role models. Being a leader isn’t about being right always but it surely is about making a wise decision. The tree that moves some people to tears of joy is just a green thing standing on others way. Some people define their limits and are too afraid to push them forward. But leaders are wise people and they feel defining a limit for one is undermining ones capabilities. Newspapers either tell us how our politicians are taking advantage of the money we earn or people killing their relatives and loved ones for money, I ask you is that all that is left? We do nothing about it just sit leisurely in the comfortable confines of our home and feel bad about the fact for two hours and then continue with our busy lives. We are so used to all these things that we feel it is very normal. I don’t remember the last time I read a newspaper that didn’t report gore and bloodshed.
Scrolling further down the pages of the newspaper I was amused looking at the obituary section. We all keep cribbing and crying our whole life for small things; despite of this I am yet to find an obituary that says he died peacefully in his sleep surrounded by his accountant and lawyer. They all have the same message and they all have their families mourning besides them. The irony is that when they were living this beautiful chapter called life relatives and friends didnt realize their worth, they only realize it after they are no more to experience the beauty of relationships. This is the era where all we talk about is competition and minds at work; we do not have time to dine at our favorite restaurant or watch a movie, which ones we never missed. We have forgotten when we really laughed our lungs out and danced in the rain with street kids. These things embarrass us now; we feel that laughing out loud is cheap (though we never miss out a chance to say lol while chatting with a friend online). Tell me my friends when was the last time you giggled at a joke, the last time you smelled a flower, the last time you fought that your friend did not call (this was once the most important thing in life) ? God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
As the Chinese say : the best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago and the second best time is today. So let’s plant our trees today and enjoy what we have lost in our busy lives. So if you take time out of your busy schedule and want to relax and talk to a friend you can find me in café coffee day, as you smell the aroma of coffee and hear people talk, look around and you will find me at a distant corner, reading a book and sipping my coffee with a slice of simle… :)

a drop of tear to share and a slice of smile to serve

I was sitting and relaxing on the couch after a tiring day. Had an interview and call letter in my hand which did not make me happy coz people kept telling me that the institute is not good. I was tired of people, tired of my parents shouting, tired of every random person asking what I wanted to do in life. Sometimes I feel that I am the only person everyone is worried about. Suddenly everyone wanted to assure that I have a good career. With a bad headache and a bad cough, this was the last thing I wanted to think about. And bam I have something new to think about. And this time again a weird thing, which bought a smile to my face and lighted up my mood yet again. It was how small things make you smile more often than big things do. The things we never notice, the things we feel is not even worth a thought and still how they are the most important things in life.

I was happy now for the fact that I wore the formals first time in my life, I was glad to have cleared the first interview I ever appeared for. Thinking so much about the career made me forget these small achievements. One day there was an a very learned old man, who has accomplished everything in life, once said to me that after a long and tired life he is finally into the breezes. I liked it when he said this, but thinking of it now I can’t think of any good reason not to be in the breezes when you are enjoying and exploring life. Life is very short and so is the world but the world is far wider to explore fully. It has a lot to give if you are just ready to take. At the end a billionaire gets buried next to street sweeper. I have nothing against working hard and earning money but think we will all end up as dust so let’s have some fun. . Too many amongst us are afraid to be ourselves, so we give up our dreams to follow the crowd. Some of us are too afraid of ourselves so we give up our dreams to follow the crowd. The biggest regret on our death beds is that we were not reflective enough. Friends all I am saying is just follow your heart and don’t think about what others say. Trust me that all the people who are successful today were laughed at, now they revert it back. Someone once said nothing fails more than success. Very true say if you go to your favorite restaurant and order your favorite dish and when you ask for ketchup the waiter says that he is busy and u can go pick it up yourself. How will you feel? The restaurant is fully stuffed with people but if they don’t have just a min for there customer’s happiness is their success worth it?

I just read about a boy who couldn’t walk as he was born without eyes, and we worry about the traffic jam being bad. Let us all do a little exercise and jott down all the things we want to do till we die, I am sure you would have even started to think about two or three only after reading this. But what happens is most of us give up so easily just because our fears are stronger than our faith. And if reach what we desire we forget the people who have helped us in this path. On this one of you will say I have them on facebook, or I ping them saying hi every 10days. Not your fault, the paradox of this world is that we get more connected electronically and not emotionally. I am sure if I tell you that you have only 30mins left, all of you will grab your phone and call the people who matter to you., some will even call the people who ones were the part of there life. So why wait for that time, why not grab a phone right away and buzz people. Thank everyone who has helped you, and also the people who will help you in future. Be happy with what you have and do that perfectly.

untitled

here is a cute and sweet poem for all my friends ... :) i wrote it when i was a kid, the words are simple but i am sure all of you guyz will understand what i want to say...

you are never alone i am always near

when you are troubled, down or blue

all you have to do is call me

i am here for you.

it doesn't matter where i am at

it doesn't matter when

when you need someone to talk to

i am here to be your friend.

if you need someone to hold your hand

or a hug to say i care

if you need a shoulder to cry on

for you i will be there.

so never think you are a burden

when the weight gets too much

you might find if you look hard enough

a good friend would be the right touch.

you are never alone i am always here

through the good times and the bad

i am always here to be your friend

as i don't like to see you sad.

p.s.- the poem is left untitled on purpose, but a nice and suitable suggestions for the title will be appreciated ... :)

SANDS OF TIME

The sun sank down the horizon as those gloomy eyes stared at it as if questioning its fate and at the same time marveling at its beauty. It somehow seemed to draw a parallel analogy to the life she’d lived so far. She’d bloomed and risen to spread warmth and somehow the fire inside incinerated and consumed her and like the fading dusk she had resigned to her fate.

She stared out of the window as the busy traffic passed, nightfall was evident. She closed the window pane and fell flat on her back on the rather comfortable bed that seemed all but a bed of thorns to her at this instant. She tossed and turned seething in silent pain, sometimes wailing in silent whispers. It all seemed to have come back to her all of a sudden, all the good times she’d seen, the people she’d met n those who’d been a part of her life. Those who hurt her n those who got hurt, things that went right and those that didn’t. She wondered in silent agony, was it all there was or is there more to this life , as she stared at the ceiling How she wished it collapsed and brought about an end to all this.

She had everyone yet she felt alone, thousands of friend and yet no one to call her own. Everyone had abandoned her and this was what she had feared all her life. Not that she dint knew this could happen but she never agreed that this could be true. She tossed and turned with tears wailing out of her eyes and her head aching with pain. But no one was there to console her, to tell her that she is not alone. She had always wanted to help people yet when she needs them now however loud she cries however loud she shouts no one would hear her. She had lost everyone with no one else’s but her fault. A belief in her heart that some day this will end kept her going on with her life had shattered her today. For the first time she questioned the very existence of God. College life had left a lasting impact on my psyche and made her what she is today. She went to college with a lot of dreams to make it big. She went to the class and looked around a bit and sat down, here she came across as a person who would leave an impression by his mere appearance, a huge imposing frame and add to that spiked hair, a loose black tshirt that yelled out loud to the world "drink beer fuck fear" and a dog tag to go with it. There was another guy who sat with him who was a geek and did not talk much but was staring at people and was disappointed with himself coz he did not make through any good engineering college. She didn’t like him a bit at the first and neither did he like me. He thought of her as another smart ass bitch (he regrets thinking about her like that till date).

Soon they became friends and had a lot of fun together. They went to malls, movie halls, markets, food joints etc. She loved her college life it was exactly like she had dreamt of. They all would stand up for each other and fight with the world. People used to envy them and wanted to be like them. They never cared about the people and were only bothered about their small world.

Problems came and went but they were inseparable. Little fights never bothered them and they would get back together. But this all was short lived, her happiness was cursed and life had to do this to her yet another time. Every one left her; she was all alone in college and cried everyday. She knew she had to fight the world alone but all she worried about that the people whom she called her friends were the part of the world she had to fight. They abused her but she held herself. What bothered her was that they dint seem to care at all about her.

Though after one year she made some friends and the geek friend of hers came back leaving behind all regrets and they started sharing everything again. She has got her life back and enjoys being with these new set of people. She doesn’t want to lose them and wishes that she could hold them tight forever and not let go. Deep inside she is scared to lose them but still they keep reminding her that nothing is permanent and they would go one day. She wishes to tell them her fears, to tell them what all of them mean to her. Today as she lie in her bed still thinking if she could be the same person she was, with all the love she had and as always no one to answer her; sleeps take toll over her.

A DROP OF TEAR TO DROWN IN

Unaware of the law of the city and his destiny, a boy from a slum jumps over a wall of a park. He chooses a corner to answer the nature’s call. The “criminality” of his act brings an on duty cop into action. A few deadly blows and his life is over. The man in khakhi runs away and a few people from slums gather around the body to mourn and seek justice. Time passes without any action and the number of mourners increases. The frustration converts into rage and these mourners become protestors. They throw stones and police fire bullets. The incident leaves behind five dead bodies and a bunch of questions. And so I turn and ask these questions to the common man in all our houses.

Politicians are to be blamed one of your uncles will tell you while fixing his first peg of the evening. He will tell you that these slums are the vote bank of these politicians. They are also breeding grounds of the criminals, thieves and all kinds of viruses. First they will take your land and then move further to all your parks. And with the sixth peg he will have the solution clear away these damn places, burn down the houses, throw them out, we don’t want them here he shouts.

Your aunt sits next to him clutching on to her glass of vodka, she is more sensible and is against the violent remedy. And she has a problem too. No slums mean no domestic help. But again she says you can’t trust these people either they steal and can always slit your throat for money. She is scared but says it’s too much to do all house hold chores all by herself.

Another cousin of yours who is college and seemed to be a politically correct person to you tells you that the government has done a lot for them. And they have got all the facilities- water, light, t.v, refrigerator etc. they continue to be poor coz they don’t want to work. Lazy bums he calls them.

To find out what the truth is you go see for yourself. There are houses of mud, some few bricks here and there. The roof covered with plastic sheets. Houses with five children in a room sized house. Sun beams on tired, sweaty and scared faces. As the evening arrives some men, women and children arrive from work. Few girls are getting ready by putting on bright makeup on there dark and tired faces. A man at the side is drunk and is beating his wife as she is not beautiful and can’t earn enough. Her children are not bothered they sit there glued to there favorite tv show. Another woman is cooking the nights meal which is normal as the every days roti with onions and if it’s a special occasion they even get boiled potatoes.

As I came out of the dark place I was thinking…… ah forget it… I already got my answers ….

THE WAIT

I am standing on the edge of the cliff I want to set my soul free when suddenly thoughts of the days gone by sweep me over, a lot of questions were left unanswered sum from my end some from theirs. Answers which I shall never get; and some answers I don’t even seek to get or deliver. There was a time when life meant fairytales but as we grew up we understood that Santa Claus is not real, and the wonderlands are only meant to be in books. As I think of my journey from childhood to teenage and then from there on, I see myself getting shrinking inside n out. As a kid we used to love people whoever they were however they behaved. No ego clashes, no attitude problems, even if someone slapped us this very moment we became friends the very next. It was easy to forgive and forget. I have zillions of friends who love me and whom I love so what am I doing here. What am I running from ? whom I want to be free of ? My thoughts took a vicious turn again into the past, into the days of my school. I could see the building, huge, made up of bricks and no paint. This is the very thing I loved the most about this building – its raw appeal. My eyes sparkled with excitement as I moved forward and entered the gates I could see my classroom. The class which was once full of kids was now empty; I could not even fit in in those small benches now. I smiled at myself at the thought of it. Bt as I moved on and saw the hockey field, the basket ball court, lawn tennis ground and the cricket field and lot of noises coming from all directions. I could see children running from one place to another and enjoying themselves as they involve themselves in the games. I moved further and I saw a sweet young girl crying at one corner, I went to her she had bruised her knee. It wasn’t a deep bruise a petty little cut and she was howling at the top of her voice. I wished I could tell her that she will face things which hurt a lot more than just a bruised knee. But I just chose to smile and console her and then I walked on. I saw my classroom of class tenth. All I could remember was that I wasn’t a good student and my teacher refused to give me the roll no. I was scared because I thought I won’t be allowed to give boards. I wished a friend was there but no one came. I had no one to look up to, no shoulder to cry on I was so scared. A tear trickled down my cheek, and I smiled at my innocence and walked on. Now I saw the classroom of my twelfth standard, it was empty but I could still hear laughter of my friends. I was happy sitting on one bench when sir called me and started shouting. One of my classmates mother had said that I don’t let him study and keep calling me all day long. My sir was yelling at me, he was blaming me for something I dint do. I cried but I was scared to tell it to my dad, so I kept mum. My sir promised me not to say a word to my parents on the p.t.a. only if I scored well in maths in my pre boards. I worked very hard and got a fairly good score in maths. On the p.t.m day my sir took my parents and told them everything and in a way that they believed it was all true. No one believed me, I tried explaining but no one listened. I needed a friend then, but no one came. I wanted people to listen to me to trust me; I wanted some one to say I understand but……. I silently looked up at the sky as if asking why? All I could see was a smile.

I went back again now to my board results, I secured 85% and still couldn’t get admission anywhere. I was tensed then but I got through the bbe entrance. I chose a college which was not too good. The first thing people used to ask me was my college's name and then they did not even talk further and assumed that I was a bad student. My cousins were ahead of me. People told me I was good for nothing but then I was in my dream world. Always thought college life will be good and I wanted to live all that I had read in books in my real life. My dreams were so many and I wanted to make them a reality. But who knew what was in store for me. I entered the college gates and felt disgusted this was not the college I dreamt of. But I then this college played a very important role in my life so I smiled and moved on. I could see me and my friends giggling in the first year and then a guy entered my class and I went out with him, he was my everything . The excitement in my eyes, the smile on my face everything came just by the thought of him. I loved him truly and knew that I could fight the world for him and I did that later. He wasn’t the best looking guy in the world but he surely meant the world to me. We went to the nearest mall with my best friends. We chatted, had fun and then went back home. This was our everyday routine. I wanted to capture every bit of him and not let him go. I wished for a lot of things, first being that his mom likes me but that never happened. It was again my dream that crashed one day when his mom called me and because of a misunderstanding she abused me and said a lot of things on my character. I cried the whole night; my guy did not support me at all. The college next day was a nightmare I broke with him. I hated to do that but had no option. From the very next day the guy from my dreams turned out to be a jerk. He started speaking bad words to me, abuse me and say shitty things about me. He broke me inside; a person so full of life became a lifeless soul. I cried almost everyday and prayed so that things some day get fine. Remembering all that made me cry, tears kept flowing from my eyes as I moved on every inch of the area reminded me of my ex and my friends who desserted me when i needed them the most. one of them fell in love with me n assumed a relationship that didnt existed, shared his feelings with another freind who was also my best buddy and created a lot of misunderstandings. Then entered a girl called ritika in their lives , she manipulated their minds and drove threm to insanity. shaw abused me publically because of the poison she had planted in him for me and the other guy juss went dumb. I wanted friends but had no one to support me. there was a random caller who faked the name of one of my school freinds and used to talk to me, i thought i had found a freind but alas this was short lived too as i found out he was juss another jerk trying to take advantage of the situation. Again I was alone, my friends and I had a fight over some things and they refused to trust me. I wanted people to understand to trust me. I failed to make people understand that I also had a heart. My eyes were red by now and people just refuse to stop hurting me. My best friend left me coz she believed in my guy and not me. I was alone and upset but then I went on. I saw my friends turn there backs on me, people I helped when they needed me just turned there faces the other side on seeing me. My friends were good but then everyday my classmates created a problem for them. They all fought everyday. And seeing my ex flirting with girls was a cherry on the cake. I wanted to end it to die. But then I always thought dying was for people who are weak and I was strong enough to face it. With this thought and that everything happens for good I never gave up. Three years passed and not the way I dreamt them to go. I was glad for once that my college days had ended. I then moved out in the world with nothing in hand, no friends and no college to go after my graduation.

There was a friend whom I knew for a long time he liked me but I dint like him that way. I thought he could understand me but even he failed. He stopped talking to me, and made a new gf. I was happy for him as he went away to Australia. He had fought with me for his friends and misunderstood me. One day I got a call from his gf and she started shouting for o fault of mine. I did not love him. I was tired of everything. They broke up after that but I tried to find my fault. Like everything else this also ended without an answer. I wanted to smile at me to smile at my stupidity but I chose to cry.

Everyday dad and mom used to tell me what I will do in life and I had no answer. I wanted to settle things first my mind just refused to calm down. I was almost out of breath by now. But I dint stop thinking and moved on. I saw my house and fights everyday people were tensed and everyone thought that I do not get tensed ever. I wanted someone to know. Today after giving some entrances I did not clear any of them I was upset my parents refused to understand. I feel like a looser I have once lost in life. I climbed this cliff to see if I can see god, if he can see me or is he still too busy to know that some one needs him from the past 5 years; will he still not care to take my hand and show me what’s right? No I did not get on the cliff to commit suicide but yes I still want an answer from god……. Will I get it?...or yet again be surounded by profit seeking souls in my quest for support..

if it ever happens to you

If it ever happens to you

when u stand out in the evening and don't realize it is night,

when your eyes are open but there is nothing in sight,

when somebody touches you and you don't turn around,

when the blowing wind gently caresses your hair,

and they dance as if moving in a prayer,

when you don't hear you but the clock's heartbeat,

when you don't feel the pain of a needles prick,

or that caused by a burning candles wick,

when you forgot that you hold a matchstick,

still burning in your hand,

when you start following them back,

your footprints in sand,

when your yesterday sweetly whispers in your ears,

wen your memories flows down your cheeks as tears,

when nostalgia eclipse your heart and mind,

and focus them on the time gone by,

when your thoughts run randomly like a prisoner set free,

and flow swiftly like the sunlight on the quite sea,

when you think of those close to these,

just make a brief ... a brief reference of me.....